Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
