i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
