hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
And I'm also limping. I just wish that I had self control. I'm 23 for fuck sake and I'm sitting at work, with mascara down my face, vomit on my clothes and an unknown black substance on my tits. How will I ever find my Greek husband if I keep this up?
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Randomize
