Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
