i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
Hippo gnu deer
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Oh that's what I forgot last night.. To make out with her.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
