Your lack of dick hurts my anus. I hate your loverboy tactics.
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Randomize
