i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
