You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
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