walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
how do you ask an olympian for your underwear back?
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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