my shit smells like andre
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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