Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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