I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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