my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
