Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
