Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
21 Embarrassing Stories From Adults Who’ve Crapped Their Pants
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
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you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.