my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?