Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
you're hired as official boob wrangler