She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
Are my feet made of real feet?
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
