I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Precisely. She's an awesome drinking companion; yet, not so awesome mother-in-law material.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
