It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
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