i friday night watching house. god, i need a life, friends, and a legitimate fake id.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
