fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
