have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
