my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
