he is naked. in. my. bed. happiest day. of my. LIFE.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Now with the essential back story, I can empathize. Sorry about your beer and butthole.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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