FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
