after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
