it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
