Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
i've created a new STD.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
Randomize
