Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
As shirtless as possible
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Randomize
