Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
