I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
Plus you know he's just 2 semesters and 4 glasses of wine away from "experimenting" with some French major
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Well he offered to lick my asshole so...I'm not really worried about his interest level.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Randomize
