oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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