My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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