Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
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