You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
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