I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
