if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
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