Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I just took a plan B pill with my preworkout. That's the level I'm on today.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
