Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
She told me that for every Ravens touchdown, I'd get to come once.
Marry her. Marry her now. I'll help you steal the ring.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
