I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I think he was trying to tie my clitoris in a knot with his tongue. So awful.
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
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