Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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