even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
he went at my nipples like a starved dog.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
