Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I'm too depressed to masturbate. This election is the worst.
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