Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
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