Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
We haven't even scratched the surface on the damage we could do. Just saying
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Randomize
