I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
Do you ever have one of those days when your breasts are just fucking awesome?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
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