He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
