I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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