last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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