that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
