he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
