Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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