Can Purell be used as lube?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
All of her cloths were on our coffee table this morning. The only things she left with last night were her shoes and Scott
Also 70% sure I have a splinter on my eyelid from last night
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
