i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
im naked on webcam to her boyfriend, but im playing neopets at the same time, so its all evened out
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
yeah, i found the sharpie that everyone use to sign my tits last night. its dead.
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I need to calm my uterus...
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
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