If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
