I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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