Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
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who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
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Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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