So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
im six kinds of drunk right now
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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