I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Randomize
