My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I love the fact that my Mom has been present at 90% of my drug deals.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
